Laziness is painless, it brings on absolutely no changes

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go

By JT Seravat

Egdum, Fla. (SWG) - Although it is considered one of the most desirable towns to live in Florida, at least by Ninety is Nifty magazine, Egdum is not know for being the brightest or most productive of Florida's towns and cities.

In fact, according to town historian, Florence Fickleheimer, the only thing she recalls that has happened of any significance between the town's founding in 1924 and today, is when Ellie the Elephant escaped from town in 1974 and ran away to join the circus. Apparently, Ellie had been working for the railroad prior to running away.

Fickleheimer added that after working in the circus for over a decade, Ellie started the American Federation of Large Animals at Circuses (AFLAC). The union went on to win basic rights for all animals performing in circuses throughout the world. Ellie retired from performing and as president of AFLAC in 1992, moving to La Jolla, Ca. When asked why she choose California instead of her birth place Florida to retire, Ellie is reported to have said, "The weather's nicer and the people are smarter."

So, despite the great event of Ellie escape, people are not surprised that they don't hear much about Egdum, Fla.

But what's happened in the last year has even the people of this sleepy town concerned.

"You see, we're use to people going through their lives without caring much 'bout anything. Doing just about as little as they have to, to keep their jobs and survive, but the last year's been scary," said longtime town Mayor William "Sleepy" Simpson.

You see, people are not showing up for work, showing up and only putting in 5-6 hour days and well some people are just walking around their jobs drinking tea and talking all day. It's a mystery.

Scientist from the Institute for Small Town Labor Studies have been in Egdum for three months and concluded the problem is systemic.

It appears that this phoenomenom is the result of a sort of "Reverse Management Pyramid" theory according to the STLS.

The STLS has found it to be the only reason the entire town is incapable of accomplishing anything.

"The theory most definitely applies here. These people, if they ever were productive, became incapable of doing any work after years of the laziest, incompetent and uncaring people rising to the highest management positions. This of course makes it impossible for any workers under these managers to care about accomplishing things since their managers care less than they do," according to Theodore Kran, director of laziness studies at STLS.

Mr. Kran and his colleagues plan to publish the results of their findings in American Labor News under the headline, "The Egdum Syndrome: Disintegration of American Worker Intergrity."

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, when all is said and done, you must live with how you lived you're life.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Bucklebutt, Fla. where the newly elected city council passes an ordinance require men not to wear their pants to high over their hips.

Published Feb. 27, 2009

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Water and Tee Shirts

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go

By JT Seravat

Tillytown, Fla. (SWG) - Excitement filled the air here it this lovely seaside village. No it didn't. That's what the PR guy told us to say, but we won't because it's a lie.

He and others at The Not Quite Southwestern Middle Coast Water District Agency aren't happy.

The powerful regional agency held its annual Water Quality District 12 Class 5A competition in Tillytown this week.

For those of you not aware of this competition, it’s huge in the water business. Each city or town is eligible to compete in local, district, regional and then the State Water Quality Championships in Eessahallat in May.

It's the Super Bowl of water quality.

So why is the NQSNCWDA unhappy?

Well, it seems the district competition in Tillytown this week along with districts throughout the state have had very poor attendance.

Can’t imagine why. Unless the District Grass Growing competitions were going on at the same time.

All kidding aside, these water guys and gals take their water and water competition seriously, and they’ve come up with an answer to the low attendance.

Ready?

After each water-tasting competition, the NQSNCWDA will sponsor a wet T-shirt contest involving women from the towns competing in the water quality testing.

No one will be admitted after the water tasting begins.

“We expect much larger crowds at next year’s competition. Water quality and water management are important issues and the citizens of your community need to be informed,” said NQSSNCWDA Director of Development Sheila Wallenbee.

We contacted Wallenbee at her Eessahallat office.

I asked Wallenbee if she felt it was appropriate to use a wet T-shirt contest as a means to have people attend the water quality competition.

“Look, the entire cultural and social structure has clearly deteriorated to the point where appealing to people’s greed, physical thrill or sexual appetite are the only means by which to get them to attend boring, yet educational events like this, and everybody knows it,” said Wallenbee.

Well now isn’t that an optimistic view of things.

Seems water people can get testy at times when things don’t flow their way.

By the way ladies, applications to be in the 2010 wet T-shirt competition can be had by calling 555-6666 or online at qqq.wetwater.com.

Gentlemen, to reserve your tickets for the 2010 water-tasting competition, see Marilyn at the Tillytown Water Department.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, to get your tickets early for next years competition.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Flatland, Fla. where police are baffled by people disappearing.

Published Feb. 13, 2009

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Disappearing

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go

By JT Seravat

Flattown, Fla. (SWG) - Over the last two weeks, Flattown Police have taken six reports of missing persons.

Is that a lot?

"Well, for Flattown, that would be a lot in a year.

We are definitely concerned about this and looking for any pattern that may exist." said Flattown Police Department Det. George Garrison.

I asked Garrison if these disappearances could have anything to do with Jane Granite of Lemonville, Fla. vanishing into a giant beam of light from the sky on Nov. 29, 2008 when she was holed up in the Toy Train Repair Station while evading arrest. (See "Activist goes Crazy" - Nov. 24, 2008)

“We’re looking into that possibility, but don't say anything about that because we don’t want to cause a panic, you know.” said Garrison.

We know.

The last thing we want to do is tell people you could be walking into L Mart to buy a pair of socks when a giant beam of light lifts you into the sky and aboard an alien spacecraft where the aliens take this device that looks like a combination between a pair of alligator pliers and a sicle and....

Boy, that was close. We also let the horrible mutated cat out of the bag. You could just sense the hysteria and panic about to begin.

It is true that Granite was lifted into the sky on the morning of Nov. 29, 2008 when she was avoiding arrest by the Lemonville Police Department. Over 30 people witnessed that including several LPD officers and Dr. Zachary Smith from the Search for Extra Terrestrials.

Garrison did point out that TPD was especially concerned since the people disappearing were not downtrodden people like photographers, sports writers, truckers or housekeepers.

No, these were regular normal people like realtors, ad salespeople, business owners and authors.

Garrison said he would consider requesting help from federal authorities if TPD gets no additional leads.

Is it possible this is a hoax perpetrated by those people who have disappeared.

But Garrison doubts it because TPD can’t find any connection between the parties.

We’ll keep you posted.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, well, maybe carry baby powder with you at all times. In case you disappear you can spread it on yourself and they can find you. Hey, it's worth a shot.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Egdum, Fla. where people are mysteriously becoming incapable of accomplishing anything, anything at all.

Published Feb. 17, 2009.

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Screaming

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go

By JT Seravat

Linnville, Fla. (SWG) - Women in this lovely East Coast Florida village who were wearing any red clothing began screaming hysterically Sunday afternoon, and as of press time today nothing has been able to stop them.

At 3:21 p.m. Sunday Linnville Police received a call from Hannigan’s Bar.

These are the exact words of bartender Shirley McTinkle taken from her 911 call to LPD.

“This is Shirley, the bartender over here at Hannigan’s, and you better send a cop over here. About five minutes ago this women started screaming and she won’t stop. She ain’t even drunk. Here. Listen.” (Screaming can be heard in the background.)

LPD officers arrived and the woman, later identified as Cindy Sinatowallen, would not stop screaming.

“Gulliver was cuffed, placed in a patrol car and a decision was made to take her to Linnville For Profit Hospital for observation,” said LPD Chief Rudy Backford.

Sinatowallon is still screaming.

But that’s not the worse news.

There are now a total of 73 Linneville women all under five foot tall who are screaming continuously for no known reason.

A team from the Centers for Disease Control has been at Linnville For Profit Hospital working with city and county health officials to try to determine why these women are screaming.
“We’re attempting to come up with some methodology for testing why these women are screaming.” said CDC spokeswoman Dr. Robin Patchman.

“Testing of their brains seems to indicate that they reached a point of massive, uncontrollable hysteria that was going to result in a nervous system collapse. Needing an outlet for the nervous system hysteria overload, the brain told these women to start screaming,” said Patchman.

Whatever may be causing it, it is becoming a problem as hospital staff who are reportedly going crazy listening to this screaming.

The Army Corps of Engineers has been called in to build a 35,000 square foot temporary dormitory facility that is soundproof to house the screaming women until medical personnel can figure out how to stop it.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, ear plugs go on sale at L Mart starting today.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Tillytown, Fla. where the local water district holds its major event of the year.

Published Jan 8, 2009

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Shopping Craze

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go

By JT Seravat

Mymammy, Fla. (SWG) - Shopping won't be as exciting as years ago, but there are more sales.

Credit cards at the ready, gifts to return with receipts attached to them, body armor on and flyers from every store in hand, Retta and Debtor Baretta are ready.

Seravat Writers Group will be reporting on the after Holiday shopping spree from the city of Mymammy.

We arrived at the Baretta’s house at 12:30 a.m. on Friday, Dec. 26, 2007.

It is the first shopping day after Christmas.

The only other day this reporter can remember that had the potential to cause such citywide pandemonium was when those squirrels massed on the big hill overlooking the Booden Woods in East Wilkinson, Fla. and threatened to attack the city.

The “Official First Day of Shopping After Christmas,” as it has been dubbed by the Mymammy Chamber of Commercialism, officially begins at 1 a.m. Friday.

The Baretta's and thousands of others were waiting at stores as the doors opened.

So if you are standing there in your robe on your front stoop reading this in your local paper at 6 a.m., first, close your robe, and second, get dressed and get shopping, people — you’re already five hours late.

“The Mymammy retail and restaurant sector intends to make this not only our first Official First Day of Shopping After Christmas, but our finest,” said Vaughn Momo, MCC assistant director of official statements, in an unofficial statement leaked to the press on Christmas Day.

“Special events will be taking place throughout the day. I’m pleased and happy to repeat the news that we have, in fact, retained Johnny and the Ghostly Trio, who will be playing reggae all day in the middle of the roundabout at the Halfempty Mall. It will be a beautiful day, all the stores and restaurants will be open and people will have a wonderful time. Mymammy, as you know, means insanity.”

MCC released a statement later in the day that stated, “Regarding Mr. Momo’s statement issued earlier today, please substitute the word ‘fabulous’ for the word ‘insanity.’ Thank you.”

Well, at 10 a.m. here on West Mymammy Avenue, where thousands gathered to return items, purchase new items and enjoy the lovely St. Valentines and Easter decorations that have been set up to remind folks of the next big shopping days when they can substitute buying stuff for a lack of creative and spiritual satisfaction in their lives.

“I am happy to be here right after Christmas to be passing out ultra-high-trans-fat candy to overweight children to remind their parents St. Valentines Day and Easter will be here before you know it,” said a 7-foot-tall bunny roaming down the middle of the street. The bunny refused to give his name.

Flyers were being handed out at the mall that a man will be here at 4 p.m. dressed up as Uncle Sam to remind us to buy fireworks and food for the Fourth of July.

Florida Gov. Crispy should up to remind people that if they didn't buy things, lots of things, that Florida would go into a depression and even the illegal aliens would return to their home countries forcing fat white rich slobs that inhabit Florida to cut their own grass, clean their own houses, fix their own roofs and never eat oranges or lemons again.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, a new Florida law requires all part time residents to spend a minimum of $ 60,000 between January and March. Thank you snowbirds for your cooperation.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Linnville, Fla. where women are screaming? That's what it says here on the "wire."

Publish Dec. 28 2008

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Santa Missing - Part Three (final)

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.
So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go

By JT Seravat

Part three of a three-part series.

Kimcoola, Fla. (SWG) - For those of you just joining us, in our last report the evil sisters-in-crime, Kimcoola's Public Information Officer Pamela Nocomment and Kimcoola local newspaper gossip columnist Courtney Cox, had dinner with Santa Claus at Tama’s Diner.

Recent information has come to our attention.

Their next stop for Nocomment, Cox and Santa was the now infamous club, Tribabe’s.

The bouncer at the door, Cindy Knuckles, remembers the trio.

“I thought Santa was just a women dressed up for the holidays. Hell, we got women dressed up as bikers, hikers and well, like lots of other things I don’t think you want to write in your paper, so why the hell would I be suspicious of a Santa?” said Knuckles, adding, “Now get the hell out of here — you’re starting to bother me."

Once in the club, Santa, surrounded by hundreds of (adjectives deleted by censors) women, was according to witnesses minding his own business when one club goer interviewed by police said all hell broke loose.

“The crazy @*$%^# comes running onto the dance floor holding a badge, and a really big gun, screaming police, which of course got a lot of the more subtle women’s attention. Then she grabs Santa around the neck,” said Eileen Smallponds.

According to Smallponds, Det. Sandra Sinfilled then told no one to move, she was leaving with Santa and there was no reason for anyone to get hurt.

Sinfilleld must have called for back-up because as she exited with Santa, police had the club surrounded.

Anderson and Cox surrendered without incident.

Later that day Kimcoola Nonews Gazette carrier pigeon brought in a message to the news room/ tea room, Kralc County State Attorney Moe Fine announced no charges will be filed against Kimcoola PIO Pamela Nocomment or KNG gossip columnist Courtney Cox.

“We believe after interviewing hundreds of witnesses and several interviews with Santa himself that Santa voluntarily went with Cox and Anderson to get some rest. Santa admits the trio made it appear to be a kidnapping so (please stop reading aloud now if there are children in the room) Santa could maintain his reputation and standing among the children of the world. Therefore all three are free to go. No charges will be filed,” said Fine in the statement.

Kimcoola Mayor Latka Von Rigenhousen released this statement after hearing no charges will be filed against the city’s PIOs.

“The girls, hmm hmm, women, did nothing wrong and we intend to reinstate them in their positions with full pay, after granting them six additional weeks of paid vacation and a free round trip to Wakaya Island with all expenses paid for the entire six weeks. They need time to rest from this ordeal,” read the statement.

Lucky they didn’t face jail time — they might have received a new house and their own reality TV show, in the opinion of this reporter.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, Santa is now available 24/7 as he has been placed under house arrest until Christmas.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Mymammy, Fla. where folks are getting ready for the after holiday shopping sales.

Publish Dec. 22 2008

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Santa's Missing - Part Two

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Part two of a three-part series.

Kimcoola, Fla. (SWG) - The blonde (Kimcoola Public Information Officer Pamela Nocomment) and brunette (Kimcoola Nonews Gazette Gossip Columnist Courtney Cox) were picked up outside a women’s club on the east side of the City of Our Lady of the Sorrows of the Great Meadow.

And, ladies and gentlemen, it appears the women’s club is not the same kind of women’s club that the God-fearing, respectful, fine women attend in the city of Kimcoola, Fla.

No.

This place, according to the Kralc County Sheriff’s Office, was called Tribabe’s.

Kralc County State’s Attorney Moe Fine announced he hasn’t decided whether charges will be filed against the pair.

A press conference was held by city and county officials.

“Well, when one of our KCSO female undercover detectives, Det. Sandra Sinfilled, walked into Tribabe’s she immediately spotted Santa," said KCSO spokesman Red "JJ" Anderson.

KCSA's Fine spoke next, "According to Sinfilled's report, ‘Santa was dancing with five to seven women and appeared to be enjoying himself unlike any kidnap victim I’ve ever seen.’

Fine continued, "As a result of her report, our office intends to interview as many of the women who were in the club last night as possible before reaching a decision on whether charges will be filed. Are there any questions?”

“Yeah, Ned Dumbnuts, Great Meadow Action News — Your Hometown 37 News Station — All Local News — All the Time here. Was the female undercover officer on duty while she was prowling through the Tribabe's? Second, could you describe the undercover officer and what she was wearing? Or even better, is there any surveillance tape from inside the Tribabe’s that we could air over and over and over again until we air it one more time during May sweeps?” Dunkin asked.

“No, you slime,” said Fine.

Police speculate that Anderson and Cox had thrown Santa in the trunk of their 1966 Thunderbird and driven straight to the City of Our Lady of the Sorrows of the Great Meadow.

Witnesses interviewed by law enforcement said the duo had checked into the Half-Hour $20. Open All Night Motel and then shortly afterward headed out with Santa.

They were next seen at Tama’s Diner, where they were served by waitress Floly Greensheets. “I wasn’t suspicious because I was working back to back to back to back double shifts to be able to afford a Christmas tree and some gifts for me and my kids, so I hadn’t seen the news in days. The guy that owns this place doesn’t allow us to have a TV or radio. Anyway, everything seemed normal to me. In this city, a blonde and a brunette dressed like they were going to work at a strip club out for dinner with Santa Claus is not abnormal,” said Greensheets.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then we will keep you informed. Will Santa be found? Is he safe? Will the toys be delivered on time? How is Rudolph holding up under the intense emotional strain?

To be continued.

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC